I want to see you smile

Even if it means I have to give you the territory of all the galaxies and stars and planets and satellites and everything not even telescopes can see, not even discovered yet.

vickydizon

Ask me my name

I'll tell you everything you need to know.

vickydizon

Untitled

   I want to write again

Not another love story                          

Not another hate note                            

I want to write something that matters
   In a world that is shattered
      Of broken hearts and promises
  Of ceased moments and memories


                                                             I want to write a happy note
                                                           Maybe a short anecdote
                                                            Of a life that never missed
                                                       A memory of such a bliss

I want to write a song      

With a rhythm played so well   

         With words that can tell        

Of how love can stay still    

                                                       
                                                               I want to laugh so hard
                                                      Like my brain gone so mad
                                                          Like my heart is never sad
                                                               Of the feelings I try to hide


                   I want to say a prayer
                      With a heart free of despair
                 While at the meadow I stare
               And wonder what is life out there


vickydizon

Romeo & Juliet

Tragic love stories

Hearts weary

Eyes teary

Smiles not merry

vickydizon

By Mr. Gustavo Correa

The Analogy of an Orchestra

Each player has it's own instrument to play, it is their job to play the best of his ability, his ability shall be refined in order to play very well. Each player is a part of a section of an orchestra, everyone must be aware of each other and they must not act as an isolated unit. To have a beautiful music, it requires the excellence of the conductor and the musicians.

But what if one musician makes a mistake and everyone try to notice it? What if they did not practice? What if one musician plays too loudly?

July

I left.

vickydizon

After 18 Years

he is the only man who never changed the way he looks at me

people told me we should go see our father before it's too late.
i talked to my friend about it and he said the same thing.
i was triggered by the idea that i am leaving and there are a lot of things that might happen after that.

so it took me a lot of courage before i ask my younger sister to go look for him.
we went back to the place we don't really remember, to where we were born.

we saw him. i saw him. sitting like an old man in his 60s, when in fact he is only in his 40s.
he looked at us, not knowing who we are.

i looked at him, not knowing what to feel.

it was true. what people said. he is sick. very sick.
when he knew who we are, he invited us in his little home.
there, i saw my four younger siblings i never knew i have.

i didn't know what really happened but it felt like i knew how his life was for the past 18 years.

i can't look at him.

he was looking at me with the saddest, happiest and most longing eyes i will ever see in my entire existence.

he was looking at me like he was telling me he missed me.
he was looking at me like he was asking for forgiveness.
he was looking at me like he wanted to know what happened after we left.
he was looking at me like he wanted to go back to where their relationship ended and start again.
he was looking at me like he was afraid to hear us say goodbye again.

i can't look at those kind of eyes.

because those eyes were the only thing that i felt had connection with me.

i realized then that i didn't really hate him.
why would i hate a person i don't even know? i don't know him until that day i finally met him.

i hate myself for not feeling anything.
i hate myself for looking away.
i hate myself for not knowing what to say.
i hate myself for being detached to him.
i hate myself for having no tears to shed.
i hate myself for not hugging him,
to let him feel that despite everything that had happened, he still have us.

i hate myself because i don't remember how it feels like to have a father.

vickydizon

My Second Family

Manila Street Astronomers has become my second family, Sir Gary, Steinar, Halley and their whole family (a bunch of wonderful and cool people), Ate Erika (The explorer. I met her once and thought, "Oh God! What a wonderful person.") and Gerard (who introduced me to the great astronomy experience ever. My... mentor? lol). They were just the best people I met and surely, I will miss for a year and a half and so.

'til we meet again. 

vickydizon

F

*

15 April

IG: vckydzn

Well, these three are greats! 

vickydizon

He

He saw me and he already knew who I was.  

   He knew my secrets and the things I am trying to hard to keep.

         He knew every part of me.   

He saw right through me. 

                 He hypnotized me. 

         He knew how to make me say the things I never said to anyone.  

         He knew how to make me tell the truth. 

            He knew everything about me, even before I knew myself.  

               He knew me more than anyone.

                          He made me like him.

vickydizon

I Crie

vickydizon

Countdown

Today, I am starting to count the days left before I say goodbye.
Today, I am starting to count the days left before I say hello to something new.
Today, I am starting to count the days left before I say the words I long to say.

I love you.

vickydizon

Detained

Put me behind the bars
Keep me under the lock
Throw the keys away

Own me

vickydizon

Clingy

It's nice to have someone to hold. But it's nicer to be held by someone.

vickydizon

Never Be

I had nightmares. 

I have nightmares.

 It always haunts me. 

It suffocates me. 

It's trying to kill me. 

 It always makes me feel alone. 

I guess I will never be used to sleeping all alone.

vickydizon

March's Gift

It's always not too late to get to know a person. It's nice to find a new friend from the body of someone you already knew.

vickydizon

I Learned A Lot Today

You can't please everyone! 
Despite all your efforts, not everyone will look at the biggest detail of your effort, some people will always try to pull you down by pointing out even the tiniest mistake we can make. Don't please anyone, please yourself. 

Nothing remains the same.
Whether I go or not, whether I leave or I stay, everything will change. I have to accept the consequences of my wanting to leave, I have to accept that whatever I leave will never be on the same spot again. People change, and so does everything in the universe. I have to try to be strong to stand up for my decision. I have to try to forget the fear to be forgotten, because in the end, the people who will stay along my way will still be the most important people I have to cherish for the rest of my life. 
  
Open up!
There are people you can tell your secrets to. There are people who can give us the best advices we can ever have, the harsh words that will make us realize things and the most comforting hug. 

Cry.
To release your emotions.
 

I saw this post on facebook while writing my blog, and I guess this one is the best to end this entry.

If there is one thing I learned out of the experiences I had that is to not depend too much on anyone in this world. Because even your shadow leaves you when you're in darkness.  
- Neil Soria (Facebook Post)

vickydizon

So Into You

image taken using Sony Xperia J and ten-inch Dobsonian Telescope 1200mm
IG: vzsdzn

City Lights

IG: vckydzn

City lights in Manila. I have to start saying "Goodbye". I feel like not coming back. But I wish I have enough reasons to come back.

vickydizon

To: David

Cheers to our very first picture together. :)

I have known you for exactly 7 years and 8 months now.

2007

I knew your name. I was teasing you with one of my closest friend. I was teasing you "gay". You asked me to be your buddy on our first field trip in high school. You became someone's young love affair. We never became friends.

2008

We became friends. You said "I love you", I thought you were kidding. You said you like me, I didn't care. Someone liked you. I didn't like her. I told everyone you were my boyfriend. I was kidding around. No one believed. 

2009

We became closer. You were always there on my weakest points. You were never leaving my side. People got confused. They asked what is going on with us. I said were friends. You said we're not. You said you were serious. I laughed. But I became your girlfriend. You never held my hand. I was hoping you would. Sometimes you did, when no one is watching. Our secret. You kissed me on my cheeks. I was too young. I cried. We were so happy. Really happy. But you broke up with me. I cried. You were watching me. You promised you will not find a girl until we graduate college. I made the same promise.

2010

You were no longer my boyfriend. You were looking away whenever our eyes would meet. I cornered you. Our eyes met. We have decided to move on. We moved on. We went back to being friends. Great friendship was built. You became closer to me than we expected.  No one thought we broke up. Everyone is still waiting for the moment they would see us held each others' hand. We never did.

2011

You became my bestfriend like I became your bestfriend. We never left each others' side. You were always there for me. "You're exceptional. You redeemed me from silence." you said. (Wait, uhhh I'm crying.) We were so exclusive for each other. We learned how to dream. We exchanged dreams. We were talking about our soon to be separate lives after we graduate high school. We were so afraid to move on without each other. But we had no choice.

2012

I went to my own university, you went to yours. We met new friends. We met new people. But we always try to find time for each other. We always try to see each other to at least go home together. I met a guy. I broke my promise. I was sorry. You accepted my apology. You still never left my side. You said no one will ever have my spot in your heart. You said I will always be your bestfriend. You were always my bestfriend and I never allowed anyone to change that fact.

2013 

We broke up. You were there. You were busy but you were there. You never ended the call until I finish ranting. You said I didn't deserve that. You said he didn't deserve me. I cried. You were there. I didn't really thought that it would come a day when I can rant everything to you including the guys I will meet, knowing that aside from being my bestfriend, you were also my ex-boyfriend. Time flies. I was busy. You were busy. Months passed without us exchanging messages. But I know, you will always be there.

2014

You were my date on Valentine's day. You were the first person I dated on a Valentine's day. That was a secret. We never told anyone about it unless they ask. That was a casual date. A catch-up date for not seeing each other for long. We had a buffet dinner somewhere. We talked about a lot of things. You told me nothing's changed, You and I are still bestfriends. I was so happy. Months and days passed we don't get to see each other. We randomly receives messages from each other saying "I miss you." and "I love you." I miss you. A lot.

  There is a possibility that three months from now, I will leave this place, I will leave everything behind, I will leave you and everyone who is important for me. And if that moment will arrive, I still want to be your best friend. I still want to be on my special spot in your heart. If I leave, I want you to remember every moments we've had, including those moments when I cry or when we hurt each other. I know, communication will never be a problem anymore because of the technology we have. But the physical interaction... I will miss your silly jokes. I will miss your wide smile. I will miss everything about you that no one else can give me anywhere else. I will miss you and I will forever, if forever exists, love you.

vickydizon

To: Me

When you can hear your voice no more,

When all you think you can do is weep,

 When you cannot write even a single word,

When you want to stop hearing everybody,

When you are ready to open up,

When you even refuse to eat,

When you want to climb up high,

When you think this is all what life can offer,

When you are about to give up,

Breathe.

vickydizon

Me. In Two Colors.

IG: vckydzn

"Green is a smart choice—good for an imaginary girl or an imaginary boy. And the season isn’t at all relevant with imaginary children"
- Rainbow Rowell, Attachments

"What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again."
- Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

vickydizon

Miserable

No. Not seriously miserable.

But I am in the period where after laughing, I cry. After eating too much, I lose appetite for days. After being so sure, I forget. I am in the period when there is no certain things that's happening or going to happen.

I am currently in the period where either I take everything I hear literally or read between their lines. And eventually hurt myself. I am in the period where I can cut everything out of my life and still feel dumb. Or lose someone and bleed.

I hate this feeling and it will never stop until I get to tear more than I am used to do.

Reasons for crying yesterday:

1. I went to school for nothing.

2. A girl appreciated my doodle art for her.

3. A guy told me I was cute.

4. A guy told me he forgot my flashdrive with my favorite series on it.

5. A guy took picture of me.

6. I did not get a kiss.

All nonsense.

Then I stopped crying:

1. The guy who said I was cute gave me an ice cream.

2. The guy who forgot my flashdrive did not really forgot it.

And I laughed. Hard.

1. I teased a guy and called him "Shelly".

Today I was with my girl friends. I was happy. I guess. Then had dinner with a guy I used to like and who used to like me too (I guess). Then went home only to see my bestfriend while I was on the van going home. I tried to call him, he looked at my direction but he probably didn't see me with his poor eyesight. Then I received a message that made me want to go back to Manila. But I didn't.

I was too exhausted to move.

I want to be both alone and not. I want to be with someone who will make me cry but I want to cry alone. I want to cry for real. I want to cry with a reason. And I want to get real with my reasons. 

I don't want to cry because of a bag full of contained feelings, again. But that is what will probably happen soon.

vickydizon

B&W

IG: vckydzn

This place would always remind me of both my childhood and my college life. This is where I get to hang out with few of my Baha'i friends. This is where I hang out with my college best friends. This is where I usually stay. The only place I learned to love in Manila. (I was always here since I was 6 or 7) This is where I eat a lot. Oh lord. The most 'romantic' place for me. HAHA!

Post-Script: A b&w photo for a supposed-to-be dramatic post.

vickydizon

I Cried Silently

I saw everyone.

I saw you.

I saw myself.

Far from this place.

Am I ready?

vickydizon

Captured Beauty

image taken using Sony Xperia J and ten-inch Dobsonian Telescope 1200mm

vickydizon

Carpe Diem

Graduate.

Serve the Faith. 

Go out of town with Steff, Gerard and Lyan. 

Go to Boracay with Ate Shiraz, Kuya Brian and Blair.

Finish reading Harry Potter series. 

Buy Dobsonian Telescope. 

See the Milky Way.

Seriously watch Meteor Showers.

Save money!!!

vickydizon