After 18 Years

he is the only man who never changed the way he looks at me

people told me we should go see our father before it's too late.
i talked to my friend about it and he said the same thing.
i was triggered by the idea that i am leaving and there are a lot of things that might happen after that.

so it took me a lot of courage before i ask my younger sister to go look for him.
we went back to the place we don't really remember, to where we were born.

we saw him. i saw him. sitting like an old man in his 60s, when in fact he is only in his 40s.
he looked at us, not knowing who we are.

i looked at him, not knowing what to feel.

it was true. what people said. he is sick. very sick.
when he knew who we are, he invited us in his little home.
there, i saw my four younger siblings i never knew i have.

i didn't know what really happened but it felt like i knew how his life was for the past 18 years.

i can't look at him.

he was looking at me with the saddest, happiest and most longing eyes i will ever see in my entire existence.

he was looking at me like he was telling me he missed me.
he was looking at me like he was asking for forgiveness.
he was looking at me like he wanted to know what happened after we left.
he was looking at me like he wanted to go back to where their relationship ended and start again.
he was looking at me like he was afraid to hear us say goodbye again.

i can't look at those kind of eyes.

because those eyes were the only thing that i felt had connection with me.

i realized then that i didn't really hate him.
why would i hate a person i don't even know? i don't know him until that day i finally met him.

i hate myself for not feeling anything.
i hate myself for looking away.
i hate myself for not knowing what to say.
i hate myself for being detached to him.
i hate myself for having no tears to shed.
i hate myself for not hugging him,
to let him feel that despite everything that had happened, he still have us.

i hate myself because i don't remember how it feels like to have a father.

vickydizon